Some things are just hard to let go of...

It's been really a long time since I broke up and found out I was been cheated on. And still, time changes nothing. It doesn't change the fact that I was blind for so long, two years and a half to be exact. It doesn't change the way I feel about it at all. It does change how I react to it, I don't think about it all the time now like I used to before. But still, sometimes it comes up again from the back of my mind.

The thing I don't really understand is how it happened in the first place. How was I so blind? How I did not realise what was happening? 

At first I thought it was all my fault, as it usually happens when your parter cheats on you. But sometimes this haunts me, sometimes I still think it was my fault. For being so naive, so forgiving. I can even recall me saying, to him I may clarify, that I loved him so much I would even forgive him if he cheated on me.

Of course now I can see how dumb I was. But I wonder, over and over sometimes, if that was the whole reason why he did it. If I, unwillingly and not knowing, gave him 'permission' to cheat.

I can't help but feel somehow guilty every now and then. Also because I shut down everyone who tried to told me about it. Because now, apparently EVERYONE knew about it. Except for me, of course.

I've got all these questions that sometimes don't let me sleep at night. I wonder what was he thinking, I wonder if I was an idiot and most of all I wonder if I actually knew it unconsciously and choose to ignore it.

But most of all, what has left me ... traumatized? (If that really the way I feel at all) is that I can't imagine, I can't even bare the thought of how is it possible to know that someone loves you with all their heart, all their strength, with all they fucking are; and still you choose to deceive them. Still, knowing that person would do ANYTHING for you, you choose to cheat, to hurt them in the deepest of their souls. 

How can you cheat, over and over and over again. And lie every time the other person gets suspicious about it. How can you deny it so many times you make your partner begin to think they're overreacting, they're crazy, insane even. How in the world is it possible for you to cheat and then right after that come home to your partner, look them right in the eyes, SEE HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU, tell them you love them and not feel guilty at all. I will never be able to explain that to myself, nor will I be able to understand it. I think if you're able to do that, you have no heart, no soul, no conscience and no feelings at all. I'm not sorry at all to say that doing these automatically makes you the lowest kind of human possible. Maybe not even human at all.